


Crying in the Dark

by shadowcatfan (pressdbtwnpages)



Category: X-Men (Movieverse)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2002-08-18
Updated: 2002-08-17
Packaged: 2017-10-04 02:03:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,433
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24778
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pressdbtwnpages/pseuds/shadowcatfan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Two people find themselves.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you Alyx! Your beta was wonderful! This is my first angsty fic, be kind!

_posted to fanfiction.net 8-18-02, posted to the XMMFF yahoo group before that. Format altered slightly from the original._

_She knew it was a bad idea.  
He knew they'd only end up hurting the people they loved.  
They both knew they'd do it anyway. They did.  
It amazed her, how good it could be.  
He'd never had anything like it.  
They both knew they couldn't let go of what ever it was they had found.  
She knew it was breaking Bobby's heart.  
He knew Jean was growing lonely and bitter.  
They both knew that hearts would be broken before it ended, but they couldn't stop.  
She cried, he cried.  
He left, she yelled.  
They both remembered._

Kitty graduated from NYU a year ago and returned to Westchester. She, Bobby, Rogue, Jubilee and John joined the team that summer. It was a summer of parties, joy and light. Work at the Academy started in the Fall.

Kitty was assigned most of Jean's teaching schedule so that Jean could devote more of her time to research. The days were hard and long, and the light dimmed to that heavy gold of late autumn afternoons. Missions started too. Missions that began with adrenaline and energy, but ended with blood, tears and utter exhaustion. The light dimmed to the color of midnight.

It was always midnight in Scott's head. Brought on from years of leading before he was truly ready to lead. Brought on by the things he did but hated, and longed to do but couldn't. Midnight came from seeing too much and not being able to do enough. From thinking certain thing and saying the opposite. And despite living in close quarters with two powerful telepaths, they did not seem to notice the dimming of his light.

Kitty missed light. The longing for light was what was destroying her, not the simply the presence of darkness. Bobby didn't notice, sensitive lover though he was. He just assumed that quiet equaled mature and Kitty was a grown up.

After the disastrous mission no one could meet his eyes. Which was just as well because Scott couldn't look them in the eyes either. He needed to escape.

The blackness started to suffocate her after the mission, to cover her with its cool impersonal dryness. She ran to the courtyard, cool, and dark, and barren. She stopped when she saw him.

Scott stood in the center of the courtyard, looking as if he was trying to absorb the starlight.

Kitty pressed close to a wall without phasing through and watched. A weak lamplight flickered above her. Not the kind of light she had been looking for.

Scott sighed, turned. Saw Kitty.

She stood there, crying. Tears coursed gracelessly down her face.

Scott beckoned to her, gathered her in his arms when she reached him. He couldn't just leave her alone, crying in the dark.

Kitty allowed herself to be comforted and wished she knew why she was crying.

Scott stroked her hair and wished he could cry, saying nothing.

 

_She knew it was a bad idea.  
He knew they'd only end up hurting the people they loved.  
They both knew they'd do it anyway. They did.  
It amazed her, how good it could be.  
He'd never had anything like it.  
They both knew they couldn't let go of what ever it was they had found.  
She knew it was breaking Bobby's heart.  
He knew Jean was growing lonely and bitter.  
They both knew that hearts would be broken before it ended, but they couldn't stop.  
She cried, he cried.  
He left, she yelled.  
They both remembered._

The night after they bonded Scott woke with a smile on his face. He felt the empty space on the bed next to him. Jean had already left for her morning run. That was alright. Scott rose and got ready for his shower, humming.

Kitty swore that it was the best breakfast of her life, and Logan was no great chef. She couldn't put her finger on it, couldn't explain exactly why everything was wonderful this morning. At least not until she saw Scott.

Scott was perky. Not just the usual alert and friendly, but downright perky. Of all the nights to come out of perky, last night was not one of them. He didn't know why he was perky either, until he saw Kitty.

Their eyes met, and it all made sense. Kitty felt better, like someone was picking up the pieces and slowly putting them together again. She knew they had to talk next time.

There would definitely be a next time. There had to be a next time, Scott knew it as surely as he knew his own name. He and Kitty weren't done, had barely started, doing whatever it was that was making him notice the sunshine.

Kitty didn't know how to make it happen again. If she *could* make it happen again. Last night in the courtyard, it had been so effortless, so unintentional...She didn't understand it and wondered if she ever would.

Scott took it on faith, the way he took everything he knew on faith. He needed it. It would happen - and it did. In the library, two days later, just as he was beginning to doubt.

Kitty found it much less distracting to grade papers in the library, especially with a boyfriend as...physical as Bobby. She was suffering through yet another 'Why I Want to Be An X-Man' essay. Oh if those kids only knew...For some reason they thought mentioning it at every turn would endear them. Kitty laughed and shook her head.

"Something funny?" Scott asked from behind a row of bookshelves. He'd been checking to make sure there were enough Trigonometry books. There were.

"You're incredibly lucky not to be an English teacher," Kitty told him lightly, forgetting that this was the person she had been trying to run into alone for two days. People were always in crowds at the mansion, and it wasn't easy to find someone for a one on one conversation.

"Oh yeah? I lived with one for years. A 'Why I Want to Be An X-Man' essay? You shouldn't laugh. I read yours." Scott chuckled remembering how he couldn't meet Kitty's eyes for a week, afraid he'd burst out laughing recalling one of her ridiculous clichés. How naïve and innocent they all once were. Himself included. He stepped out from behind the books and the lightness and joking were gone. He sat across the table from her. "Kitty..."

"Scott...thank you," she whispered and was surprised because it wasn't what she'd been planning to say, but it was exactly what she'd meant.

"Thank *you*," Scott told her. "I feel like I've been..."

"Away." She finished because she knew. "But now you're back and you just want to get back in touch with the world. But..."

"You're afraid." It was a statement. Scott knew too. "You're afraid that if you touch someone, talk to someone, they'll drag you back down."

"But it's okay to touch me," Kitty told Scott,"because I can't hurt you."

"Not anymore than I can hurt you." Scott reached out and placed a hand on her arm, and the library felt deliciously warm.

 

_She knew it was a bad idea.  
He knew they'd only end up hurting the people they loved.  
They both knew they'd do it anyway. They did.  
It amazed her, how good it could be.  
He'd never had anything like it.  
They both knew they couldn't let go of what ever it was they had found.  
She knew it was breaking Bobby's heart.  
He knew Jean was growing lonely and bitter.  
They both knew that hearts would be broken before it ended, but they couldn't stop.  
She cried, he cried.  
He left, she yelled.  
They both remembered._

It wasn't so much that she needed a friend, as much as she needed him. Needed him. That sounded wrong too. Like it was about sex, or lust. It wasn't. It was about... clarity, she supposed. About therapy, and comfort, and a million different things only Scott Summers could provide. Scott Summers-who would have thought?

Kitty Pryde. Angel of the X-Men, child of their hearts. Now something else -- something not so pure. She wasn't dirty. What was between them wasn't dirty. Tarnished maybe. Yes, tarnished, that was it. They were both tarnished. He didn't understand it. It simply was. And he had to see her. Because almost a week had gone by and he was starting to feel cold.

It was freezing outside. There was only one good reason for Kitty to be outside in this damnable weather. So here she was.

"Kitty!" Scott walked quickly towards her.

She smiled. Things weren't so awkward now. The both understood what they didn't understand. "Hey Scott."

"It's cold," he said coming to stand next to her. He tilted his head up and looked at the overcast sky.

She knew he wasn't talking about the weather. "Not as cold as it used to be."

"So...how does this work?" Scott cut to the point.

"I don't know. How's it going? How are classes?"

"Huh? Fine. Half my advanced class is failing."

"That's because there are far more interesting things to do than math." Kitty grinned at him. "Lord knows I always hated your class!"

"You did?" Scott was surprisingly hurt.

"It wasn't you or your teaching. I just hated math." Kitty sighed reflectively.

"Hence the fact that you're an English teacher." Scott noted.

"Exactly. Though the more I teach it the more I hate it." Kitty moaned. Scott laughed.

"Hey!" Kitty exclaimed. "It got warm again!"

"So it did Kitty, so it did." Funny how it only worked with her. He talked about nonsense with her and it got warm and bright. He told the same things to Jean and she pretended to listen. It wasn't that she didn't care, she just didn't understand. Kitty did.

It wasn't that Bobby wasn't amazing. Or even that he didn't listen. He just didn't feel the darkness. He didn't see how important it was to be able to just talk. Scott did.

Kitty didn't say anything either. The silence between them was the most comforting thing of all.


	2. [X-Men] Crying in the Dark 2/3

  
  
  
**Entry tags:** |  [crying in the dark](http://incendiarywits.livejournal.com/tag/crying+in+the+dark)  
---|---  
  
_ **[X-Men] Crying in the Dark 2/3** _   


_She knew it was a bad idea.  
He knew they'd only end up hurting the people they loved.  
They both knew they'd do it anyway. They did.  
It amazed her, how good it could be.  
He'd never had anything like it.  
They both knew they couldn't let go of what ever it was they had found.  
She knew it was breaking Bobby's heart.  
He knew Jean was growing lonely and bitter.  
They both knew that hearts would be broken before it ended, but they couldn't stop.  
She cried, he cried.  
He left, she yelled.  
They both remembered._

Scott was like a drug. She simply had to see him, talk to him. At least ten times a day. More if possible.

Sometimes she was the only way he got through the day. Sure life was lighter, warmer. But they were both desperate for more. Like a contestant on Survivor who had just seen a hot buffet.

It wasn't so much that she was attracted to him, because she wasn't. Attraction wasn't the point. He was certainly hot, but he was her best friend. She just needed to be close to him- as close as possible.

It wasn't so much that he wanted her as that he wanted her. And yeah, in retrospect there was probably a better way of going about it. To have a source to draw from was overwhelming and exhilarating. They needed more and they needed it now. They needed a stronger bond and sex was what happened. After she asked frankly "You were thinking about Jean weren't you?"

"Yeah." He admitted. "Were you thinking about Bobby?"

"Yeah."

"Pretending I was him?" Scott hated the idea, because it defeated...whatever the thing they had was.

"No. You do know this was not a smart move don't you?" She turned and looked at him.

"Well yeah, in retrospect," He gazed at the ceiling.

"I know. But it's too late now..." Kitty sighed one of those I-don't-know-what-to-say-next-but-someone-has-to say-something sighs she had. And Scott recognized it. Funny it didn't feel like a mistake, mentally it was wrong, and emotionally, she didn't love him like that.

"Yeah. There are probably smarter ways to do what we needed to do...save each others lives or something." Scott pondered.

"We've done that. And not just in battles." Kitty pointed out. "Besides, it really is too late. And we can't just go and do something else now. We can't pretend this never happened. It'd defeat the whole point."

"Which is, what exactly?" Scott asked, straightforward as ever.

"Exactly? Oh, I don't know Scott...that thing we have that's deeper than anything. Deeper than friendship, or love, or soul mates..."

"Need?"

"I was going for something that didn't sound so clichéd, 'cause it isn't clichéd. It just..."

"Is?"

"Yeah."

 

_She knew it was a bad idea.  
He knew they'd only end up hurting the people they loved.  
They both knew they'd do it anyway. They did.  
It amazed her, how good it could be.  
He'd never had anything like it.  
They both knew they couldn't let go of what ever it was they had found.  
She knew it was breaking Bobby's heart.  
He knew Jean was growing lonely and bitter.  
They both knew that hearts would be broken before it ended, but they couldn't stop.  
She cried, he cried.  
He left, she yelled.  
They both remembered._

When the world is dark, cold and cynical and someone comes along who understands, you're unspeakably grateful. You stay as close to them as possible, fearing that the darkness will return. Kitty trusted Scott to keep the darkness away.

Scott trusted Kitty too. His trust in Jean and the Professor, the people who should have kept him safe, but who inadvertently dumped the darkness on him had disappeared. He distanced himself because he was scared.

Not scared of the repercussions of their actions, because neither Kitty nor Scott saw what they were doing as wrong. They were scared that the darkness would overtake them again, the were scared of loosing light. It was another way to be safe, to be warm. Kitty understood that Bobby was growing jealous of her relationship with Scott, and was justified. Before, before the dark, before everything, they had been very much in love and spent every waking moment together.

Scott knew he was hurting Jean because of his inability to explain the nature of his relationship with Kitty. But at least, it was a selfish thought but he was tired of being selfless, at least he wasn't hurting, wasn't frozen and blind. At long last he had someone who understood without having to probe, who could care without being clingy.

Kitty justified her actions a thousand times a day. But when Scott came to her at the end of the school day all that mattered was warmth. It was the only time when she wasn't confused, guilty, or scared. For an hour twice a week Kitty was able to push away the darkness and experience nothing but good, happy thoughts.

When he justified it long enough, their interludes could almost be considered medicinal. They needed it, not in a sleazy drug addict way, but in the way someone with allergies needed Claritin. One could barely function without it, but the with it the world became a beautiful place once more.

In a quiet part of the mansion Kitty had found a little bedroom and been using it as a meditation spot when she and Scott began their...thing. Now it was their spot. A room that always smelled warm, that at four o'clock in the afternoon was bathed in light.

_She knew it was a bad idea.  
He knew they'd only end up hurting the people they loved.  
They both knew they'd do it anyway. They did.  
It amazed her, how good it could be.  
He'd never had anything like it.  
They both knew they couldn't let go of what ever it was they had found.  
She knew it was breaking Bobby's heart.  
He knew Jean was growing lonely and bitter.  
They both knew that hearts would be broken before it ended, but they couldn't stop.  
She cried, he cried.  
He left, she yelled.  
They both remembered._

It had never been about sex. Never. It wasn't even about physicality, and being close to some one. Both Kitty and Scott got that somewhere else, from someone else. No, Scott and Kitty's relationship was about the light and warmth that kept away the dark. It was all mental, mental therapy. By baring their souls, and their bodies, the darkness could be scrubbed away.

It seemed to Kitty, that basically they were kneeling naked in front of each other and the whole concept would be more effective if they really were naked. After all, they had been intimate several times, and nudity did remove all the awkward tension, which had ensued afterwards.

Scott waited for Kitty in bed. He looked away tactfully, waiting for her as she undressed on her side of the bed and crawled into the bed beside him.

"Hey Scott. How's it going?"

"Okay. And you?" It was the way they always started their time together.

"Better now," Kitty leaned back against a pillow. She looked pale and weak but managed to smile for him.

"Talk to me," Scott leaned over to hug her.

The door slammed open just as Kitty and Scott embraced. Jean and Bobby stood in the doorway, she furious, he devastated.

Kitty and Scott sprang apart as if scalded.

"Jean, this isn't what it looks like," Kitty tried to explain, knowing it was futile.

"Oh really? Not what it looks like? 'Cause it looks like you're in bed with my fiancée," Jean's voice was distinctly cold, and harsh. Kitty shivered involuntarily.

Scott noticed Kitty's shiver. "It's back," he whispered flatly and reached out to touch Kitty.

"Don't." Bobby glared at his once mentor.

"Please Bobby," Kitty begged noticing the light getting increasingly dimmer. Bobby looked at the floor, believing she had chosen Scott. When he met Kitty's eyes his heart was breaking, "No! Bobby, no." Kitty sighed. She picked up her shirt.

Scott rebelled at Kitty's act of submission. They couldn't give up! The professor would understand, he would help Jean and Bobby understand as well. But something in him, something he'd hoped he'd banished forever with Kitty's help, told him it was hopeless. He let out a long sad sigh, and Kitty handed him his pants.


	3. [X-Men] Crying in the Dark 3/3

  
  
  
**Entry tags:** |  [crying in the dark](http://incendiarywits.livejournal.com/tag/crying+in+the+dark)  
---|---  
  
_ **[X-Men] Crying in the Dark 3/3** _   


_She knew it was a bad idea.  
He knew they'd only end up hurting the people they loved.  
They both knew they'd do it anyway. They did.  
It amazed her, how good it could be.  
He'd never had anything like it.  
They both knew they couldn't let go of what ever it was they had found.  
She knew it was breaking Bobby's heart.  
He knew Jean was growing lonely and bitter.  
They both knew that hearts would be broken before it ended, but they couldn't stop.  
She cried, he cried.  
He left, she yelled.  
They both remembered._

The Professor sat in front of the four adults, his hands folded. " We have a serious problem here. At Jean's request I am here to intercede and resolve this problem. Kitty, Scott, I am very disappointed in you."

Kitty stared at the ground. The Professor had always been good at guilt tripping, even better at it than her mother. If only he would try to understand.

"I will not demand an explanation, because I don't want to know your rationale for this hideous act of betrayal."

Betrayal? Funny, it had never occurred to Scott that he and Kitty were betraying anyone. If only he could understand... "Professor? " Scott began hesitantly, "We weren't-"

"Stop, Scott!" Jean demanded. "How is sleeping with someone else not betraying me?"

"I don't want to know what you two were thinking-"

"Please, Professor!" Kitty begged as the agonizing pressure of being misunderstood began to bury her, "Please."

"You have both committed a terrible crime against your peers, people you claimed to love. You will be punished suitably."

Punished? Punished for saving ourselves? Scott wondered as fear began to rise in his throat.

"'Saving yourself' Scott?" The Professor asked coldly, "Was life really so terribly oppressive that you had to 'save yourself' from Jean and your duties?"

"Yes!" Kitty exclaimed, jerking her head up. Her eyes shone bright with unshed tears. "It was, is, dark, and cold. You would know that if you got over yourself and tried to understand!" Kitty paused, "Do you have any idea how terrifying it is living in the dark? Scott stops the dark. We know we went about it the wrong way, and we should have asked all of you for help but we were scared. We were so scared..."

"Kitty!" Bobby exclaimed surprised at her outburst. "Kitty," he said again softly, hurt. "Why didn't you come to me?"

"I don't know Bobby, I don't. The dark...I'm sorry."

"'Living in the dark'?" The professor was contemptuous, "And just what was it you were scared of? The fact that we would call you on your lies?"

"They aren't lies," Scott was steadfast. "It got dark, and we didn't know why. We just walked around in our respective hazes, doing the best we could to survive, until one day we bumped into each other, and it got bright. "

"'It got bright?'" Jean scoffed. "I didn't think you were such a pervert." Scott sighed.

"It has nothing to do with perversity Jean. You just don't understand the darkness."

"Well, I think I can cure you of this 'darkness'. Time apart will do you good," the Professor looked back and forth to Kitty and Scott. Stoicism was etched on both of their faces. "Scott, you will enjoy a time of self discovery. There is a house in the Northern New Mexico desert where you can contemplate you actions. It should be warm enough for you there."

"And me?" Kitty asked. If the Professor had expected a challenge, he had been gypped. His opponents were too tired from fighting the dark to fight him.

"You, Miss Pryde, will stay here. You will endure the looks of contempt from your students and teammates, while trying to mend the relationships you have shattered. Of course you both are adults and do not have to obey my guidelines, however if you choose not to accept these punishments you will no longer have a home here."

The punishments could not have been more devastating. Scott knew that the punishments had been custom tailored. He could have endured Kitty's punishment and Kitty could have thrived under his. But part of him still wondered why they were being punished.

 

_She knew it was a bad idea.  
He knew they'd only end up hurting the people they loved.  
They both knew they'd do it anyway. They did.  
It amazed her, how good it could be.  
He'd never had anything like it.  
They both knew they couldn't let go of what ever it was they had found.  
She knew it was breaking Bobby's heart.  
He knew Jean was growing lonely and bitter.  
They both knew that hearts would be broken before it ended, but they couldn't stop.  
She cried, he cried.  
He left, she yelled.  
They both remembered._

They didn't tell her when Scott left. Bobby came into the room after. The room she and Bobby had shared, before darkness, before Scott.

"He's gone," Bobby's voice was cold but it held the slightest trace of hope. Kitty nodded.

"I'm sorry Bobby..."

Jean had woken him, waited for him to get dressed and led him outside. A car was parked in front of the mansion with a packed duffle bag inside. He'd gotten in, feeling like an innocent prisoner in a cop show, being forced into the car that would take him away. Jean had handed him the keys and she, the Professor, and Bobby had stood on the steps as he drove away, forbidding his imminent return.

Kitty missed Scott so badly she could barely breathe. At least before she had some hope. But in a way she still did, because hope is something that can't be taken away. Before Scott, she had been afraid that she would be trapped in the dark forever. Now, she knew that there was a way out, even if he was miles away.

He drove, feeling lost and utterly disoriented. He thought he might easily drive into the sea without knowing it. Scott, who was usually so attentive, so aware, so anal, was utterly lost. He was not thinking of hope, but of escaping the dark cloud that seemed to be following him.

Kitty went there like she always did, to seek comfort. The room looked exactly the same, as it always did. It felt a little colder, a little darker perhaps, but the same. Kitty could swear that the bed, the sheets and pillows were glowing. Faintly, but glowing. Kitty lay on her stomach on the bed and clutched a pillow. She wondered if she could absorb the last of the light then maybe she could give it back to the room and they could feed off of each other forever and ever. She hoped Scott had light, wherever he was.

The car had finally run out of gas. Scott would call a tow truck soon, but for now he was just sitting on the shore of a large, deep lake. He wasn't exactly certain of where he was. Pennsylvania, maybe? The lake was largish, deep. Scott felt like he was emotionally suspended in the lake that represented all of the current darkness of his life. The good news was he wasn't yet sinking in the darkness. The bad news was he wasn't floating either. Scott supposed that not sinking and not floating equaled drowning. Drowning in darkness seemed like a distinctly bad plan. Scott assumed he was still pointed upwards in his metaphoric lake, but he couldn't be certain. So hopefully when he symbolically started swimming he'd end up back on land. Or he'd drown on his way. Or end up with his head stuck in a lake bottom, eternally buried in the darkness. Scott understood he needed to find a way to cope.


End file.
